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Today I wrote a letter I will never send.

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April 8, 2010 | 10:47pm
Mood: The subject to this post is actually significant

Earlier I wrote an entry about what a bad mood I was in (gosh, that's rare these days) and promptly deleted it. This time it was due to people I work with/Korean Microsoft Word/my stupidity/my fucking 6 year old classes. Today I made a six year old cry. It was unintentional. (Although it sure felt good when all the kids in the class shut up for a change. And that's my good class!) Then I yelled at another kid - somewhat hoping to make her cry, because she's been a nightmare for the last 1.5 months - but she spent the whole time laughing at me, while the rest of the class yelled and ran around and climbed on the desks and acted obnoxious, just like always. Nice to know I'm funny even when I'm furious. I can control my older kids fine, but nothing I try with my younger kids works. Yelling, name on the board, making them stand at the wall and raise their arms, telling their Korean teacher to tell them off, bringing them into the hall... nothing. I don't know what the hell I'm missing.

Fortunately, my bad moods leave as fast as they come. Well, with a few exceptions, some of which are why I'm still in a bad mood now. But. Whatever. On the other hand, I will forever hate these 6 year olds. Except Seo-Ha and all the kids from my first class. Seung-Ho, Kyeong-Bin, Yu-Jin, Kyung-A!!! cutest/smartest little girl ever... I even adore Gun-Woo and Jin-Won when they're not being obnoxious. I realize I will one day - probably next Tuesday - look back on this post with horror, but dammit, I do like them. My second class is a waste of time/space/energy.)

As I'm sure you've noticed, lately I've been in a pretty shitty mood 24/7. I was going to apologize for that, and in fact I wrote a paragraph describing why I don't know what's wrong with me... but then again, why should I apologize? I put up with everyone else when they're being assholes or when they're in a bad mood. Why can't they put up with me for a change? I deliberately keep my feelings to myself. I don't like to put people out or cause a ruckus or anything, but why not? Why can't other people just take me as I am? I realize that, while noble, following through with this sentiment is unrealistic. Especially for me. But you know, why the fuck not?

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Comments {6}

Tess

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from: mintsonpillows
date: April 8, 2010 02:39pm (UTC)
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If you need a bad mood, then you need one. You really shouldn't apologize for it. Its something that you just need to have every so often to see the bigger picture. I'm glad you can vent yourself out here :)

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Adam

(no subject)

from: aodh
date: April 9, 2010 12:24am (UTC)
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The problem is that lately I've been in a bad mood 24/7. I mean, literally for weeks. The occasional bad mood is fine, but everything's been grating on me as of late. Don't know what that's about.

Plus I don't actually vent on here... I write quite a few private posts with the specific details about how/why I feel how I'm feeling. This post is just the tip of the iceberg.

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LadyEquinox

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from: ladyequinox
date: April 8, 2010 02:48pm (UTC)
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You should never feel as if you need to hide your feelings. Nor should you have to apologize for your feelings. Unless of course your bad mood somehow unleashes a horde of demonic succubi (I learned the most interesting thing about the etymology of succubus today) and brings about the apocalypse. Then you should probably apologize. But we'll all be dead then so there'll be no one left to apologize to.

In other news, I'll be praying that your kids get better because I don't want you to teach alone. Yeah, I know, LAME, but that's the best I can come up with right now.

~Nox

ps. The fpnt for commenting is really small, And hard to read. I think I strained my eyes.

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LadyEquinox

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from: ladyequinox
date: April 8, 2010 02:49pm (UTC)
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So small, in fact, that I couldn't tell that I'd made a typo on 'font'.

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Adam

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from: aodh
date: April 9, 2010 12:33am (UTC)
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On the other hand, if I don't hide my feelings I'd end up causing even more drama, which is something I'd rather avoid. Plus, I'd probably have no friends. I've thought a lot about this, and frankly, I don't like not being liked. If I cause shit then people won't like me. Dumb but whatever. (See how introspective I can be?)
And I apologize because I don't like being as ass to everyone... I know I hate it when people are jerks to me, so why should I be a jerk to them? This comment is incredibly disjointed and negates most of what I wrote in my post. Sorry.

Thanks re: the second paragraph. We should talk about that.

Don't know how to increase the font size of the comment box. I'm getting tired of this layout anyways, so maybe I'll go fiddle with it later.

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LadyEquinox

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from: ladyequinox
date: April 9, 2010 07:21am (UTC)
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I think your powers of introspection are truly amazing. AMAZING!!! Okay, so I understand not wanting to cause shit. But venting is cool every once in awhile. Besides, I think you are underestimating your coworkers, just a wee bit. We can handle it. And we'll probably still like you at the end of the day. I think I could even probably handle it if you were venting to me about me. Especially if it involved soju and fanta...just saying.

And, what, do you want to take offense to? The praying? Or the dyin----erm, I mean TEACHING alone? Yes....

Hope your day improves!!!

~Nox

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