Adam (aodh) wrote,

  • Mood:

oh my fucking god you guys

I'm in a really shitty mood.

I hate my novel. I want to write something HAPPY. I mean, I know, that's really fucking stupid, but dammit, my novel(s) are so fucking depressing! I just want to slit my wrists like 100 times a day writing them. Well, the desire to slit my wrists is also due in part to how awful my stories are. Because, well. They suck.

I know that angst and depressing shit makes for a good story, but neither of my stories have anything genuinely pleasant happening - it's just angst angst angst REAL BAD SHIT HAPPENS angst angst ambiguous ending. I kind of want to say "screw it" and start writing a romance. A really happy one. With throbbing members - at least two of them, because I dig the dick - and maybe a set of heaving bosoms (just for kicks) and TRUE LOVE and shit.

Oh my fucking god, you guys. THAT'S SUCH A GREAT IDEA. Screw this shit. I'm going to write a motherfuckin' ROMANCE, Y'ALL!!!

(Note: give it 12 hours and I'll be back to writing these pieces of-- stories. I'm a masochist like that.)

Reply to this meme by typing "BUNNY".
I will then give you 5 words that remind me of you.
 Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you. (Tagged by antigone_k)

Russian literature - In college I was a Russian major, which basically meant I studied a shitload of Russian literature. I've read it all at one point or another: Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Chekhov, Gogol, Pushkin, Solzhenitsyn, and the list could go on and on. I find Russian literature to be - incredible, to say the least. I identify more with Russian literature than the French literature I've read, or American, or British. It's often highly philosophical, discusses ambiguous topics, and can be depressing as all get out. The first time I'd ever encountered Russian literature was in AP English, my senior year of high school. We read Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment." I was in awe. It sparked my love of Russian literature and my love of the Russian language. It remains one of my favorite books today. (All time favorite Russian literature beyond C&P: Notes From Underground by Dostoevsky; Cancer Ward by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn; The Suicide by Nikolai Erdman; We by Yevgeniy Zamyatin; The Bear + Feast in the Time of the Plague by Aleksandr Pushkin; Childhood + the Sevastopol stories by Lev Tolstoy; and... there are more, but that's all I can think of for now.)

South Korea - My feelings toward South Korea are conflicted. I've wanted to go there for years - I had a brief period in high school during which I was in love with K-pop - but my desire to go to Russia/Eastern Europe/Central Asia surpassed that at some point. It sounds really shallow and vain, but a major reason why I'm going to South Korea is for the money. You can make a LOT of money there, and I want to pay back my college loans ASAP. But don't get me wrong, I DO want to go to South Korea. Usually. I'm still disenchanted and annoyed, but... you know, we'll see what happens, right? It'll be an experience, that's for sure.

Running - My junior year of high school I ran a 16 minute mile. The other week I ran a 7:45 mile. This weekend I'll be making a stab at my first 10 mile run. I grew up as the "fat kid," and I still have that mindset (I still make fat jokes about myself, for example, even though I'm not at all fat). I've never really hated running, like most people. It was better than playing competitive sports, that's for sure. I've picked up running a few times over the last few years, but I'd always get myself injured or overdo it, and then I'd quit. This time around I started running because I was bored - and because I wasn't very happy with my appearance - and I've actually stuck with it for 7 months now. I'm incredibly pleased with myself. I really enjoy running because I'm at my best when I have goals to work toward, and there's always another goal involved in running: one more block, one less minute, etc. My goal is to run long distances. A marathon, an ultramarathon, 100 miles... and so on.

Chicago - I was born in Evanston and raised in Des Plaines, just outside of Chicago. It's a cool city. Honestly... if I hadn't been raised here I'd move here in a second. I love the public transportation, and the atmosphere is pretty nice. I just... I really don't want to be here. I don't want to be that guy who stays within a 10 mile radius of the house he grew up in for his entire life. I am, however, incredibly lucky that my parents (well, my mother) understands my desire to go away. They don't pull that, "We're getting old and we'd like you to stay close to home" shit that the parents of some of my friends have pulled. How manipulative can you get? I mean, I LOVE my parents - they're amazing - but I deserve to have my own life. Preferably far from here, but if not, well - no big deal, I guess. At least I've already left the area for a few years, and I'll be off for another few years, so yeah. I'd like to live all over the world for the next few years, but settle down in the suburbs somewhere with a partner and 2.5 kids. Maybe I'll end up here... or maybe I won't. (A list of places I'd be willing to live: Seattle, WA; Portland, OR; Washington DC; Pittsburgh, PA; Minneapolis, MN; Denver, CO; eastern shore of Maryland; Delaware)

Romantic trials and tribulations - I'll be honest with you. I've never been in a relationship, I've only been on a few dates, and I don't really get crushes on people. (Funny story though: back before I connected the word "gay" with my attraction toward other guys, I would get "crushes" on girls. Turns out--every single girl I crushed on is a lesbian. SERIOUSLY.) However, I'm very much relationship-oriented. I mean, like I wrote above, one of my long-term goals is to settle down and have kids. I just... don't know how I'll get to that point. I find it incredibly depressing to think about, but I kind of doubt it'll be happening any time soon. I'll be in Korea for a few years, then probably somewhere else, and it's going to be damn hard to find anyone there. I've tried online dating (OKCupid and a few other sites), but for the most part they've done nothing. I have this fear of being alone, and I mean, I could handle that, I guess, but-- I really don't want it to happen. I just don't know how I'd go about finding a boyfriend. I mean, I'm not really friends with any gay guys and my friends aren't really friends with any gay guys, so the most obvious ways of finding a date/boyfriend just won't work. I mean, the internet would be the perfect way to find a boyfriend, but where do all the gays hang out? I have no clue. I'm just--I'm going to shut up now, because this is getting kind of embarrassing. And now you know the sort of thing I write in my private journal. (If you've read this far. Which I doubt you have. But WHATEVER.)
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