While I haven't exactly been eating healthy as of late, I have been eating smaller portions. See, my primary issue with food is that I have no concept of self-control. I'll eat a big bag of potato chips in a day, an entire pizza in a few hours, and so on. I really have to struggle not to eat like this, but it's damn difficult. I'm still a fat kid at heart (possibly literally!), and I never actually learned proper eating habits. But yeah, getting back to the subject: this week I've been successful in portion control, although there was a 28 hour period in which I didn't eat a thing, but that was kind of an accident. Regardless of my utter and complete failure as a human being, hey! At least I'm making progress.
I don't know what I'm going to do after I graduate. Just a few days ago I realized that I have to take the GRE fairly soon. "Fairly soon" being in two months, maybe three. This has provoked even more stress over what the hell I'm going to do after I graduate.
To be perfectly honest, I'm a little surprised that I've even managed to stay alive this long. To clarify that statement: I've always, always obsessed and worried about the future, but I've also had trouble picturing myself in the future. That turned into the thought that I may not live love enough to actually experience the future. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'll commit suicide or anything. I'm probably the last person who would ever kill themselves. Instead, I sort of see myself as... not existing. Somehow. Now you know a little about what I write about in my super secret! private journal entries.
But yeah, getting back to the point of this entry: the GRE is freaking me out and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life (read: things to which I may or may not be applying over the next 6 months or so). I've considered just about everything under the sun. Here are the highlights:
- Grad school: teaching English as a foreign language, Russian Linguistics, Russian Literature, Russian and Eastern European Studies. However, if I do grad school next year, I'll probably burn out. Plus, I really want to leave the country.
- Methods of leaving/fleeing the country: Peace Corps, Fulbright, NSEP Boren Fellowship, teaching English in another country (see next paragraph). I probably won't get the Fulbright/Boren Fellowship. Frankly, I'd totally do the Peace Corps, but there's a good chance that I wouldn't end up in a Russian speaking country... which is an issue. I'm going to get fluent, goddammit. (The Peace Corps also has programs set up with grad schools across the country, basically with extra benefits. This is a plus.)
- Teaching English in another country: Russia, South Korea, France. France is... well, I'm probably going to apply to the French Teaching Assistantship, but I don't think I'll do it unless I have absolutely no other choice. South Korea is a good option, since you can make a ton of money; however, I don't speak Korean (yet?), and I'd probably lose my Russian. You don't make much money in Russia, and it's not especially easy to find a job there. However, getting to Russia/a Russian-speaking country is my #1 priority.
- Study abroad on my own. There are programs at various universities throughout Russia (programs in Voronezh, Novosibirsk, and Kazan are my top options) where you just improve your Russian. I would love this, but I simply don't have the money.
Basically, the plan is to go abroad for a few years - preferably somewhere where I can speak Russian. I'll then come back and... possibly go for a grad degree in TEFL/Applied Linguistics. Odds are I'll end up as a teacher of some sort. I just want to speak Russian and have a semi-respectable career and have my college loans paid off by the time I'm 30 so I can start a family and not be a total bum for the rest of the life.
But hell, I don't know. I still need to see if I'll be alive in a year.
Is that so much to ask? Probably.