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Tell me how the road turns this time, baby

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April 24, 2008 | 10:33pm
Mood: morose
Music: Carrie Akre - Hide a Lie

I'm really frustrated and tired and worn out and depressed.

I finished writing my last paper of the semester today, which doesn't include the four rewrites I'll be doing over the next two weeks. I'd been looking forward to this: "Finally!" I was thinking. "One more paper and I can relax!" Of course, I had to drag out that fucking paper for as long as fucking possible. It was like pulling teeth from a chicken. When I finally finished it, I felt - and feel - no relaxation. I just feel stressed and sad.

My neck has been hurting for almost a month now, and I don't know what's wrong with it. I injured my knee while running the other night, and now I'm having problems walking, to say nothing of my (lack of) running. I'm stressed over whether or not I'm going to get the scholarship for Russia. I'm constantly exhausted and unhappy and bitchy and fuuuuck.

It's like my mind and body shut down weeks ago, and I'm just mindlessly going through my day.

Here's some more depressing shit: I have all these plans for the future, but I have this sinking feeling that none of it's going to work out. Fuck, I have back-up plans to my back-up plans, and I still think I'm going to end up living in my parent's spare bedroom. I want to go to Russia and go to grad school and learn a few obscure languages and have a semi-decent career by the time I'm 30 so I can start a family (with or without a SO), but I just don't think it's going to happen. Fuck, now I'm just wallowing for the sake of wallowing. There you go: this is what you're missing out by not being able to read my private journal entries. Me, bitching. What a fucking surprise.

the future will turn around and rear its ugly head
turn to me with the widest smile and treat me like i'm dead
i can't see the way before my eyes and i'm full of dread
then he turns and says "it's a pity
because it's all inside your head"

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