October 2nd, 2007

13x

You can probably just skip this entry.

Today was fairly eventful. I was the "discussion chair" in Survey of Russian Lit, which pretty much means I asked the class questions and, when they didn't answer them, I answered them myself. I got to go over some great stories--Gogol's Diary of a Madman and his play The Government Inspector.

I then wrote out over five pages for my War and Peace journal. Then in Tolstoy & Dostoevsky we discussed the concepts of free will, responsibility, and good/evil. It was interesting but we didn't really get anywhere... much like everything we cover in that class. I need to prepare my doklad (presentation) for Russian tomorrow, but in the mean time, I'll babble on about random shit.


Sometimes I kind of get the desire to, like, y'know, date, but it just doesn't seem like it'll ever work out. I'm not especially interested in Real People, just overall ideals, and therein lies the problem. I find plenty of people attractive--not necessarily on a sexual level, but on an intellectual level. I am attracted to their personalities, the way they think, and what sort of person they themselves are, as opposed to any specific physical attributes. (Come to think of it, I don't really find much of anyone sexually attractive, but that's a completely unrelated issue.) The problem with this is that I am apparently one of the only people out there who thinks this sort of way. As far as looks go, I'm not exactly Mr. Hot 'n' Hunky, but I'm not totally hideous, either. The word "cute" has been brought up on several occasions. So what's wrong with me? Well, probably the sames thing that attracts me to others--my personality. I'm moody, self-absorbed, occasionally antisocial, and not terribly outgoing. I am, at times, abrasive, self-deprecating, and pessimistic, and I'm not always a particularly pleasant person to be around. I fade into the background. On the other hand, I'm not terribly unattactive, I'm intelligent, creative, introspective, a good listener, and I'm fairly affectionate.

So what does this mean for me? I'm doomed to become a crazy old cat-man. At times this seems like the ideal situation... but at other times, like now, for instance, it seems like it would be the worst-case scenario. And maybe it is.
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    lonely