July 1st, 2007

already dead

Sworn under an oath to war.

I had a nightmare a few weeks ago, while I was in West Virginia. (Well, I was in Ohio at the time, but the trip was to West Virginia.) I awoke abruptly, sweating like a pig, my heart racing, and my mother was standing next to my bed when I opened my eyes. She told me that I had been yelling in my sleep ("No! No! Help!") and she was just about to wake me up. She then asked what my nightmare was about. I couldn't remember. I still can't. And, for whatever reason, I remembered this today & it's bugging me.

It's the 1st of July and I'm really, truly hating Chicago. I don't want to go back to Kirksville in a month, and I want to stay here even less. I want to drop everything and leave. A few weeks ago, whilst I was in WV, I mentioned this to Aunt A, who suggested that I buy a train ticket and go west for a few weeks. And I'd do it, too, if not for that nasty "oh god I'm poor" thing. I think I'll set aside a few of my paychecks next semester for a trip next year (maybe during spring break?). Anyone want to come with me?

Sometimes when I read (or watch, or hear) things I get a little too emotionally involved, to the point where it genuinely hurts. I've been this way for as long as I remember. Maybe it's because it hits so close to home, or maybe because the writing is so good. I don't know. I just know that my heart is aching and my throat is closed up and I don't have any reason for it, no reason at all. So now you know one of my dirty secrets. Shh, don't tell; my Macho Man card would be taken away if anyone finds out.
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