March 29th, 2006

wasn't my bullet

sometimes i feel tired and not so strong

This is a glimpse into my mind as of late.

I am a failure. I eat and eat and eat and I hate this, because it's as if I'm returning to my old habits... but that's just nonsense. The reasons: 1) I never had my old food habits while in college, 2) even when I overeat I'm still barely surpassing 2000 calories (and therefore still losing weight), and the most distressing of all, 3) I eat because I'm hungry. I'm overeating and it's because I just can't fill myself. I try to tell myself that it's no big deal, that I'm a teenager--a physically active teenage male, nonetheless--and this is perfectly acceptable. But it worries me. I don't want to gain my weight back. I don't, and I honestly doubt that I ever will. Yet here I am.

I'm so tired. I can't keep this shit up: I go to bed at 11:30, get to sleep close to 1am, and wake up daily at 5:30. I take naps every few days, but having 15 classes within three days is really wearing me out. By Wednesday afternoon I'm usually more asleep than awake, and then I get to go on to PoliSci and Chem for even more excitement.

I have trouble getting close to people. I have trouble with small talk (why say anything when there's nothing to say?) and I'm too shy to make friends easily. The thing is, when I make friends, I make them properly; despite the difficulty, it's ultimately worth it. The people here whom I consider friends--Kendal, Amanda, Kyle, and James--are probably going to be my friends for the next three years, and I'm okay with that. I just wish I was more capable of making friends.

I don't know what to do about classes this summer/next year. I just want to take the intro to Communication Disorders class to see if I really want to major in it, but the best time to take it would be second semester next year. There's a good chance that I'm going to have to take College Algebra over the summer or wait a semester to take it. I really just want to get it out of the way, but I'm doubting any sections will be open by the time I get around to registering. If I wait until second semester and take Biology and Psychology over the summer, that leaves French and Public Speaking for first semester. That's it. I'd have three spaces open for classes. What the hell am I going to take? Nothing looks good, and if anything did, odds are I wouldn't be able to get in. Fuck you, Truman, and your lame-ass "liberal arts" bullshit. Liberal my seriously attractive (and somewhat saggy) ass!

I don't know what to do about classes this semester. Honestly, none of them are all that bad... I just can't seem to get anything above a B in any of them (except for French, but that's a given). I'm on the border between an A and a B in Art History and Chemistry, which--with our almost daily pop quizzes--is practically killing me. Anthropology and Linguistics, the two classes that I had been most seriously considering as majors for a long time, are incredibly difficult and I just can't do well.

I want to get out of the midwest. I want to live near mountains, and beaches, and cities. If Chicago and the Appalachian Mountains could be relocated to the Atlantic coast, I'd be set.

I've been fantastizing about dropping out of college, moving somewhere I've never been before, and doing menial work and earning minimum wage for a couple of years before going back to school part time. I know, it's ridiculous, but it's a fantasy. It's so completely different from what I want from my life--so completely different from what's expected of me--that it's an attractive idea.

It's absolutely gorgeous out today. A radical change from the last 1.5 weeks.

Lately, whenever I look at myself in a mirror, I'm completely overwhelmed with a feeling of self-hatred. The reason? My baggy clothing. Usually this sort of thing would be a happy occasion (yay I lost 4 sizes in t-shirts and half a billion sizes in pants!), but instead, I just feel ashamed and disappointed in myself, and that makes me hate myself. I don't know why.

In summary: I obsess a lot, I've been surprisingly depressed as of late, and I write way too much about nothing.
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