August 1st, 2004

this is me

so stay the fuck away from me.

One of the books I read earlier today (yes, I meant to use the plural) included a plot that involved a man who got his daughter pregnant and, when his daughter/grandchild was about 16, he got her pregnant, too. My mind hasn't been able to get around the concept of what his great-grandchild/daughter (son) would be to him. Incest is confusing. (Since I doubt anyone will be reading the book anytime soon, it was Murder on Astor Place by Victoria Thompson. Quite good. I'm looking forward to reading other books by her.)

One of the many problems with taking so many goddamn pills is the alcohol issue. We cooked up a batch of bratwursts steamed in beer without thinking of my medicine. Oops! Too bad, so sad. I'm having macaroni for dinner. Well, at least my meal is all-American.

I don't like taking pills. I've never liked taking pills. Whenever I took them in the past (years and years ago... sixth grade, if you want to be technical), I cut myself off. I hated them. They were pointless. What lovely suicidal webs we weave, when we're entering adolescence and can't fucking stand everything. (This is the closest you'll ever come to a comment on my pre-high school past.) Is it any wonder that I like high school so much? Depression fits so much better in that lovely house of hormones. You aren't the only depressed bag of idiocy any more - everyone else is, too! It's magnificent.

Maybe the doctors should have slipped a few anti-depressants into my batch of pills. Ho hum.

The following is a bunch of bullshit. Feel free to skip. I don't want to debate, it's just my opinion on things.

You know, the problem with online friends is that that aren't really friends. Or are they? You become friends based purely on what they have to say - not their interests, not their looks, none of that superficial bullshit that matters in high school and middle school or whatever. But then, one day, just like the majority of friendships that you have developed (being the particularly fucked up human being that you happen to be) - that friend breaks your heart. And you hate their guts. And then you realize that you really, really aren't cut out for any sort of relationship.

So, as I've been going through these books (working my way to 50 before the summer ends), I've been thinking. I've never really had a penpal before. Sure, I wrote to Kelly and Amanda a few times. I sent postcards to Wendy and Dena and (possibly?) Andy. Sister Theresa at Holy Family in the second grade. I've had one or two e-pals. Really, the only person who I didn't know at all before contacting was Ana, a girl from California who e-mailed me one day last summer. We kept in contact for about a month and a half, and then it just stopped. She was great. And now she's probably in college somewhere and I'm here, thinking about some girl who probably doesn't even remember me. Oh, woe is me.

I have decided that I want a penpal. I don't want my penpal to be someone I know, and I don't especially want to ever meet them, either. Do we have absolutely nothing in common? Do you care about writing letters to someone, becoming attached, and suddenly losing contact and thinking about that other person on your death bed? If so... contact me. If not... do you have any really attractive friends who would be willing to do this?

Yes, this is a serious request.

The problem with being involved in a relationship is that they are so unreliable. I like reliability. I like wearing the same outfits every week, using the same toothbrush for months at a time, having the same rituals that I'll have when I'm 70.

Basically, all that I'm saying is that any relationship (to be specific, online relationships) are unstable and you should jump off the ship ASAP or it will sink and you will be caught up in a tide that will drag you out to sea and you'll be trapped, dwelling, for another decade.

Is it any wonder that I'm an anti-social, anti-hormonal misfit?

Oh, and by relationship, I mean "friendship". I've never gotten too attached to my online "girlfriends". Haha, they were probably all 27 year old perverts who were after my young, nubile body.

No, I never had a nubile body. Fuck off.
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