July 27th, 2004

wasn't my bullet


Fuck you.

Yesterday was literally a pain in the ass. We had to drive to Evanston to see some random doctor. I didn't "sit" - I perched on the edge of the seat and leaned halfway across the front seat. My father objected to the lack of a view of the road. I didn't care.

We get to ENH a half hour early. My father waits in the car, my mother and I went in. We sat (perched, in my case) on uncomfortable chairs. I was called in; my mother followed. My blood pressure was normal (130/80), which surprised the nurse. My temperature was 99.7, even with the tylenol I had been taking. It sucked.

The doctor came in. She was this fairly young woman who looked at my ass and immediately said, "That is called a Pilonidal cyst, and it is definitely infected," at this point, she sat down on her tiny swivel chair. "From what I can tell, you have two choices. I can give you some antibiotics and Tylenol with codeine and you can let the cyst burst on its own, since it is coming to a head, or I can try to incise it right now."

In my mind: "Oh my GOD I told my mother it would burst sooner or later!"

As my mother slowly began to move her hands into the proper, efficient choking position (knowing that I was likely to say, "I think I'll go with the antibiotics!"), I said, "Could we incise the motherfucker? Like, wo?"

And so it was done.

Basically, the doctor had me pull down my pants and underwear, gave me a shot (right in the cyst) with anesthetic ("Which is causing more pressure, unfortunately"), and grabbed her little scalpel. She cut. I felt it. Oh, did I ever feel it. She massaged the cyst (the pain of which took up a space about the size of three large fists), causing blood and puss and goop to drip out.

Apparently she had five dripping gauzes before she began to pack it with more gauze. She wanted to make sure the hole would remain open, to help the draining continue, so she stuck gauze in. Lots and lots of gauze. Lots.

Sweet Jesus, did that ever hurt. She used tiny forceps to put the gauze in - and another pocket of the cyst opened up. It felt like a thousand killer bees were stabbing, stabbing, stabbing... oh, my. She put more packing in. She covered it with gauze, I pulled my pants up, we were off.

I get home, I remove the gauze (but not what is in my body at this point), I get into the tub and take a bath. I then climb into bed (laying on my stomach) and read. And read. And then I read some more. I read maybe three books yesterday, followed by some mad junk food eating (Strawberry Crush is the best soda ever) and Comedy Central. I go to sleep. I was not able to go on the computer all day, due to that whole not-being-well-enough-to-sit-down thing.

Today... a follow-up appointment. I'm feeling quite a bit better (if yesterday was 9.5/10 on the in-pain scale, today was a 3/10). She gave me some lidocaine, removed the gauze from the cyst (which has been draining like crazy all night), and puts in more gauze. She got into a Discussion with my mother.

See, I got some random pills last night to use as an antibiotic. My mother objected to the fact that the main warning was that it might cause C.Diff - which she had last year (as well as a fistula), which resulted in a number of surgeries, which really sucked. Since I was around the bacteria that caused that, I was even more susceptible.

Now, I'm allergic to penicillin (which covers a huge family of medicine) and bactrim, which is also huge. By not being able to take this pill, I'm stuck with taking two - one for "gut" problems, the other for "skin" problems. So now I'm taking Tylenol six times a day, something else three times a day, and another one time a day. It sucks. These are horse pills, dammit, and they have the worst taste.

I still have a fever. And I'm not better yet, though I can sit up.

Tomorrow I see a surgeon, who will (presumably) want to remove the packing from my cyst and possibly chat with me about getting this thing excised (completely, surgically removed). To put it plainly - I've had this for a few years (since becoming an adolescent), and I'll continue having it until I'm in my 40s... unless it's surgically removed.

I can use this to benefit myself, though - Rush Limbaugh had this same thing way back when, and got out of being drafted due to it. Which will probably happen to me. Haha, suckers. Just wait. 50 years from now... Adam Miller, the ultra left-wing liberal. Just you wait.

It probably won't be infected like this again, though. Probably. Hopefully.

So now I am going to go sit around in my boxers and eat junk food and possibly hop back into the tub for a while. I'm able to sit up (which is how I'm writing this), which is exciting, but wow... I don't like random strings dangling from my body. The only thing that I like to dangle is my penis, dammit.

Envying those of you with the normal amount of holes in their butt,

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