July 16th, 2004

furious angels

i'm bored. and horny. JUST KIDDING!

I'm annoyed. Thus, our yearly GRAMMAR LESSON!

1. It's/its - "it's" means "it is." The possessive (e.g. "Its [Fluffy the cat's] new collar was suspiciously red") does not include an apostrophe - thus, "its." There are absolutely no exceptions.

2. You're/your - similar to the it's/its fiasco, "you're" means "you are." "Your" is what you put when saying "you are" is not grammatically correct - this also stands for the possessive (e.g. "You're such a flaming homosexual!" vs "Your prostitute awaits!") You are possessing the prostitute while you are embracing the homosexuality within. "Yours" is a different thing altogether - from what I can tell (and I'm going off of absolutely no real knowledge of grammar while writing this), it is another form of the possessive. (e.g. "Up yours!") There is no "your's" (e.g. "Your is a tapdancing monkey!" WRONG.) Wow, what pathetic examples.

3. To/too/two - two is a number ("You have two Austrian transplants?"). Or: I don't really know how to explain the difference between the other two, but I guess that's because I'm too smart for you idiots. Up yours.

4. Run-on sentences are especially bad because they look awful and you have to keep using connecting words that make everything ridiculous and it looks like you don't know how to fucking speak and even if you speak like this offline you DO NOT type how you speak, it's considered inaccurate and really bad writing, and since when have you ever read a book that has an "Um... er... uh..." every two words like most people actually speak, never, I tell you, and wow this whole sentence is giving me a migraine fuck this.

5. Nigga, please! You don't say "up in hizzle!" offline, do you? That is just creepy and rapper-esque. Nobody wants to be rapper-esque. Seriously. (And if you do, you should consider poppin' a cap in someone's azz [oops, there goes that possessive again!] and slappin' yo'self some bizitches 'n' hoes. If you do, I can guarantee that you will learn what for. Probably from the police and maybe from your mother, if she's like mine and would be ashamed with having such an awful excuse for a child. Fo shizzle.)

6. Fuck curse words. When the fuck do you actually fucking swear? I do it in front of my friends and my fucking father, personally, but shit - I don't fucking swear enough to fucking make someone want to commit suicide. Seriously, folks: when was the last fucking time you swore in front of your grandmother or a teacher? Don't make up any bullshit, now. Profane language is fine to use if you're fucking attempting to make a point of some sort, or, hell, if you feel the goddamn need to emphasize what the fuck ever you're trying to fucking say. Lay off on the goddamn swears, you fucking cunt, and learn some new words. Like... ludic. Or congeries. Or acuity. Imagine how you'll fucking sound if you cuss with one of those goddamn words! "LUDIC IT!" "GODACUITY!" and, my favorite, "CONGERIES MY BALLS, MOTHERLUDIC!"

7. There/their/they're - "they're" is "they are"; "their" refers to people; "there" is signifying a location. Examples: "They're making me want to learn correct grammar!"; "Their dog is having sex with that lobster! Oh no!"; "Put your box of condoms over in the corner - yeah, there."

8. The letter "y." I have actually decided that I want this letter removed from the English language: after all, what use does it have, when you have "i" and "e" to replace it? I mean, if you use "y" to replace "i" and "e" in your gangsta-speak, why not replace them all? Could you ymagyne yt? Yt would be absolutyly rydyculous! Actually, yt alryady looks prytty symylar to Myddle Ynglysh and Wylsh. Thys ys now bygynnyng to bug my. Thy ynd.

9. This isn't really grammar related (then again, most of the other rants weren't related to grammar, either), but I'm annoyed with people who say they dislike "shorthand" (brb, afk, w/, w/e, oic, you, are, an, idiot, etc), along with those who write in their oh-so-private journals, "Don't add me to your friend's list if you TiZyPe LyKe ThYs!1!1" Elitist twats. I will have you know that, while you might dislike people who do that, you are probably dissing half of your friends. I will admit it: the majority of my friends and acquaintences type like they lost half of their fingers in 'nam, as well as three quarters of their brain (or lack thereof). I used to do that when I was younger - okay, fourth grade, but still. You probably did it at one point (and if I have known you for over two years, I'm willing to prove it, too!). So ShIzZlE yO LiZzIpPS.

Okay, I'm done.

LuVz, HuGgLeZ n KiZzEzZ,
(you can also call me by my Native American name... "He Who Bitches About Everything").
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