July 12th, 2004

this is me

pray that they come through.

it's okay to be afraid
of what's inside another mind
an invitation to discover
and explore the other side
it's okay to be afraid
of finding out you really care
like a hammer crashing down
between the clouds out of the air

I am attempting to put together a mix CD that would be suitable for exercising. It's funny... I have 1500 MP3s and I can barely find any songs to use.

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13x

don't give a fuck if i cut my arm, bleeding.

I hate math.

In fact, I loathe it. I despise every single number. I abhor the fact that math is necessary to survive in this modern day society. You can't buy a tank of gas without calculating how much money you have. You can't buy a few random items at Wal-Mart or wherever without counting out your change. It's impossible.

I almost can't picture going without it, though. Throughout the majority of college and the rest of my life... no numbers. No equations which make me contemplate suicide. No feelings of ecstasy when I finally figure out how to do something correctly. No bitching when I get yet another bad grade.

Now, I'm used to bad grades. In the two classes I struggled with the most last year, Algebra/Trig and History, I failed almost every quiz and test we took. I never felt very bad about it in History. However, in Alg/Trig, I got depressed sometimes. It didn't make sense. I hated the subject, I hated the work, I despised the teacher for the majority of the first semester. Yet I still felt bad about receiving less than stellar grades and scores.

Depending on how the winds might blow, I may take only one or two more math classes for the rest of my life. And then I'll forget everything I learned. The majority of my "math skills," all down the drain.

My Aunt Ann hated math for years. She couldn't work with numbers any better than I can. She first got her major in Statistics in '98, I believe - about 20 years after she first began college. She tried to be a journalism major... hated it. English... nope. She tried different majors, dropping out a number of times, and then, one semester, to fill a requirement - she took a math class. Thanks to that teacher, after years of hating the subject, she loved it. She switched majors and finished her degree.

I have never been good at math. I struggled with multiplication, I struggled with adding, I struggled with everything. Pretty much all I can do anymore is add a few numbers and attempt the distance formula... and even then I still fuck it up half the time.

I hate math, and for all I know, I'll probably be receiving by PhD in it in 15 years. After all... that is how the world works.
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