July 1st, 2004


and then there's the fact that i suck at everything.

Sometimes I think I need some passion.

Something to love. Something to do constantly, to dream about, to help me fall asleep at night. Something which would make the nightmares go away. Something which I could think about when I remember the past. Something which would cancel out the past. Something to make me feel nice and safe and warm.

Someone to love. Someone to think about constantly, to dream about, to help me fall asleep at night. Someone to help make the nightmares go away. Someone to think about when I remember the past, to cancel it all out. Someone to make me feel something beyond apathy. Someone to feel passionate about.

Passion is passé.

So why do I want it so much?


I'm dysfunctional as fuck this summer. I've skipped exercising, skipped dieting, skipped telling the truth, skipped trying to be friendly. I haven't shaved in over a week. I have begun to avoid brushing my hair, which I am typically anal retentive over. I don't like to look in the mirror. I don't like to think.


So you see, I'm having a dilemma. I hate myself. And I am lonely. And I want to die. But, you know, none of that is anything new. I didn't do anything social during the school year, so why is it bugging me now?

Because I miss acting like an idiot around people? Because I like to feel like a third wheel? Because I am depressed dope?

Quick! Someone call me on the phone to ask me to do something with them so I can wander off into another room for a minute, bicker with myself to pretend I'm asking my parents if I can go out, come back, and refuse!

I need to feel more alive, more human, and it just isn't happening like this.

Humanity? What's that?

shitshitshitshitshit why the hell do i bother?

Total number of edits this entry went through: 9 (as of 1:16 AM)
  • Current Mood
this is me

apropos of nothing...

I would suggest that you all ignore the previous entry. I have this, er, problem where I get randomly depressed late at night. And when I think. Especially when I think late at night.

Hey, it seemed like a good idea when I wrote it.

I woke up this morning at my normal time - 8:00 - and laid in bed for a few minutes, petting Annie and thinking about what to do about this whole diet/exercise thing. At around 8:15 my father came out of his bedroom, knocked on my door, and said something unintelligible.

"What?" I yelled. My fan was on, resulting in far too much noise to actually hear anything over. He made a few noises that signified that he was talking and went back into his bedroom, locking the door.

I was unhappy. He interrupted me from that glorious feeling of relaxation that you only get when you wake up on your own accord. I rolled out of bed, left my bedroom, and knocked at his door. "What the hell did you say?" I yelled.

He responded back, "I thought you were having a nightmare because I heard someone screaming."

I blinked. I shook my head. I blinked again. "What? I have never screamed in my sleep!" Plus, there's that whole fact that I don't have nightmares. And that I was awake. But hey! I don't bother myself with trivialities when I'm annoyed.



Have I mentioned that I have a short temper with my father? Well, now you know.

I also wanted to mention that I have discovered one of the best country singers. That's right. Country.

I discovered Josh Gracin while in West Virginia. As that is the country, and, obviously, no music beyond country music exists there, it really isn't that suprising that I would have heard him. I was sitting on the porch, reading some book or another (probably The Alienist, if memory serves correct), and I heard violins. And then I heard a really good voice. And then I Want To Live came up, and it is just such a great song that I needed to share it with everyone.

Apparently, he came in fourth on the last American Idol, which I was not aware of, since I don't watch that show. Or, heck, any television beyond Reno 911.

I would suggest that everyone go to launch.com and watch his video (which is surprisingly excellent), and then go here and click on "Listening Party." CMT is streaming his CD, and wow, it really is great.

Okay, that's enough out of me.
  • Current Mood
this is me

l to tha oser

Thinking "I object to your existence" whenever I think about... someone... probably isn't the best thing to do.

I just thought I'd whore it up a bit. I got some free hair gel samples in the mail today, and this right here is the result. This is the first and last time I shall ever use hair gel, so don't be hatin'. Give me some hardcore lurrrrrrrrve. (Translation: fuck I'm hideous I need an ego boost here!!!!)

Have I mentioned that my hair is long enough to pull back with a rubberband? Yeah, that makes me happy.

I made a new icon. As you can tell, it's of Josh Gracin, whose CD I have only repeated about ten times today.

Why do I get the feeling that whenever I make a new icon that isn't of a person of the female persuasion, people are looking at me with some pitying glance on their faces and thinking, "Oh My God! He is so queer!" Girlfriend, don't be steppin'.

Holy shit I'm acting "ghetto." I blame redesigning the fannypack info. Oh No.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck I'm pathetic. :)
  • Current Music
    Tom Waits - Big in Japan