January 24th, 2004

every frequency

blahblahblah my life is pathetic

Sometimes I kind of wish that I would just slip a tiny bit more while shaving. Just enough to slit my throat, instead of these stupids cuts that get irritated by my hair and the air and yada yada.

Ho hum I'm vaguely depressed today. Okay, actually, I'm bloody well depressed and pissed off. It hasn't been a good day, to say the least.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate myself? Well, I do.

Stupid pity party.

I wonder how much everyone leaves out of their journals, you know? How much do you lie? How much do avoid mentioning, to make sure you don't look as stupid or pathetic or utterly ridiculous as you think you look?

I post a lot in this journal, but I don't really post anything. I'm such an idiot, such a fucking freak that I can't let anyone know how stupid I am. I worry constantly over everything, in case you weren't aware.

I have a separate, private journal, just for my super-secret thoughts that I would rather jump off a bridge than share with anyone, even my best friend. Do I have a best friend? I don't know. I have some pretty close friends, but I'm not sure if I'd call them best.

All those advanced and AP and whatever classes I'm taking next year are, well, a sort of point of pride for me. I did so bad freshman year - so bad - that I just want to prove to myself that that's the past, that everything is the past, and I can get past my mistakes and be perfect.

It's probably a good thing that I haven't focused on obsessing over the ACT yet. I haven't done any of the studying I really should for it, and I don't think I will. It focuses on your intelligence, so I don't see how studying could really prove that you are smart. I don't know.

What am I going on about? I don't know. I'm sure it was something a few paragraphs ago, but right now, I'm burying myself in self-loathing and irritation and I just want to be left alone.

Just for the hell of it, I'll remove the comment feature. Or I'll backdate this entry, so I can get out what I'm saying and make sure that nobody reads it.
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