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June 1, 2016 | 09:29pm
Mood: happy
Music: Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Jackson's Last Stand

I listened to this song (Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Jackson's Last Stand) on my run this morning and as I was working on my paper just now, I realized that the following lyrics were stuck in my head:
"it's time for things to get better
it's time for things to move on
instead of this"

Caitlin posted this on Facebook the other day (uh, about a week ago, now). I've been lazy and saved the quote as a draft on my Facebook, and I figure that the first day of June - the last month of the semester - would be as good a time as any to answer it. Not like I'll post it on Facebook, but it's worthy of being posted here. I use Facebook as a place to post obscure music, stream of conscious humorous reflections that go on for roughly a thousand words with no end in sight, and quotes from Korean poems or novels. Nothing, y'know, serious, or anything. Cait, I know you (occasionally - like what, once every six months, maybe?) stop by my journal, so I hope you get the chance to see this, and I appreciate your posting this.

"If you could do anything, be anyone, no fear of failure, no risk at all — what would you do, who would you be, where would you go, why?"

You know, this is actually a somewhat tricky question to answer, because - to be quite honest - this is how I live my life. I've tried to live my life based on what I want to do - where my passions lead. If I were good at math, would I want to do something in that field? See, I just don't know, because that's never been something I've had to consider. On the other hand, I've long been good at languages and so I've followed that path - from taking French and Italian in high school, to majoring in Russian and minoring in French in university, to moving to Korea and learning Korean.

Failure is something that I - well, I'm not sure I'm afraid of it, necessarily. Because, you see, I have failed before. I've failed a lot in my life. I find that I put myself in tough or difficult situations because I know that I'll learn from them - even if I fail, even if I don't do as well as I possibly could do, I still learn. A common refrain that floats around my head, that I murmur to myself when I walk around my apartment, is, "Why are you so bad at Korean?" I feel failure on a daily basis, simply due to feeling handicapped, to feeling like I can't express myself to the extent I can in English. But do I regret this? Not really. (Well, I regret not studying Korean more in-depth, and I regret coming down on myself so hard.) Do I fear it? Yeah, but I do it anyways, because I know it's good for me.

If I could do anything, be anyone - why, I would do exactly what I'm doing.

I want to become fluent in Korean. It's a long, difficult process, one that I currently feel like I'm failing. But I'll get there eventually. I also want to get my Master's degree in Korean Literature, and then, if I'm lucky, get accepted to a fantastic university in the states (Columbia/UChicago/Washington/UCLA) to study Korean Literature there at the PhD level. But I'm on my way, I'm getting there.

I would not necessarily weigh less, but I would not have manboobs, and my overhanging belly (which I have had my entire life) would be non-existent. But you know what? I'm eating healthy, I'm working out 6 days a week - these WILL be non-existent before long. They're shrinking as we speak.

I would run a half-marathon, and then a marathon, and then maybe an ultra-marathon or three. And not only would I complete them, but I, the kid who ran a 16:30 mile in high school, would also do them at an exceptionally fast pace. And you know what? As long as I keep running, I'll get there.

I would learn more languages of course. I was actually just talking with a friend about moving to Peru to learn Spanish. Why Peru, you may ask. Why not? I have a friend who speaks fluent Italian, and he's actually told me that he's willing to teach me Italian. I'm down (busy, but willing).

I want to travel more. Got plans to go to Europe this summer, and travel around Korea a bit when my mom visits in July.

Honestly, everything that I want to do, everything I want to be - I am working on it in some way. There are some things I regret (I wish I could be more outgoing, not so closed off, more willing to approach people and make friends), but that is something I can change - I know how to change it - but I simply haven't, not yet.

I do have a dream, however, that I could just get up and go. Just... go. Walking, running, biking, I don't care. I would love to just walk and walk and walk and not stop. But honestly, even this is something I can plausibly do one day! I want to hike across the Appalachian mountains, I want to walk the Camino de Santiago, I want to ride a bike across America. All of this is something that I can do!

My biggest dream is to get married and have kids one day. Getting married - well, gotta find a husband first. But having a family? I can do that. Because, as a wise group of philosophers named "Miss A" once said, "I don't need a man."

It's possible that I've kind of broke the question, honestly. In a lot of ways, I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied with myself, with my life, with what I've done and what I can do. And I recognize what I'm NOT satisfied with - and I have the tools to change them. I'm lucky.

In other news, I am a lazy sonuvabitch and I am probably going to fail out of graduate school because I'm so. goddamn. LAZY. Must get back to working on this paper. The end.

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Comments {2}


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from: annaserene
date: June 1, 2016 03:03pm (UTC)

it's really admirable how you take the necessary steps to achieve your goals.

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from: aodh
date: June 2, 2016 02:46am (UTC)

I have a tendency of every so often entering the state of mind where I think, yes, I will change myself for the better, I will make steps to achieving this goal, and I actually do it. It tends to be 50/50 on me actually continuing this though - sometimes I make changes but they don't last, so I have to do it again. And again. And again. Because eventually I'll just get in the mindset where they'll stick. :)

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