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불만스러운 이야기

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May 18, 2014 | 07:29pm
Mood: frustrated

Imma talk a bit about gay shit.

Some random just messaged me on the app, asking for a hook up. I replied back, "Sorry, I'm not interested. Good luck though :)"

He proceeded to reply back, thanking me for my politeness, and calling me a "good guy." A nice guy.

You know what? This really pisses me off. I find it ridiculous that someone actually finds the need to thank me for telling them I'm not interested in sex. What the hell does the mean for the gay community? For my community? I'll admit that I've ignored people's messages before, and god knows I've been ignored before, but how rare is it that someone actually says, "Thanks, but no thanks"?

Another thing that really pisses me off is the gay community in Gwangju. You know what? There is a gay community here, but because I'm not skinny enough or fat enough handsome enough, or even willing to declare to the general public that I'm a top or a bottom or "all," I don't fit in. I'm ignored. What does that say to people in this community? You aren't beautiful, you don't fit into my narrowly defined "type," so therefore you don't exist to me? What bullshit that is.

You know what's worse? This isn't just the gay community here - it's the gay community everywhere. Apparently kindness does not exist.

It's not just that, however. There's also the fact that I'm at the point in my life where more and more friends are entering into deep, meaningful relationships, getting married, having babies, and I'm just sitting alone at home, twiddling my thumbs.

I've always wanted to get married and have children, and I know it's ridiculous to say this - especially since I'm only 27 years old - but I've started to wonder how likely that dream even is. By the time I'm done with my PhD I'll be in my mid-30s. I've been thinking about applying to the US Foreign Service, which uproots its employees every 2 years or so. I've been fantasizing about living in Paris, or New York, or Sydney, or London - big cities where I could live and potentially meet people who might be stable and comfortable with themselves.

It's difficult for me to make a connection with other people. I've never been one to have many friends, and the friends I do have I don't treat as well as I should. Even then most of the people I connect with are women - it's rare for me to connect with a man, let alone another gay man. And when it does, it always happens with a guy who is unavailable on some level. I suspect I'll meet my future significant other through a friend of a friend - but doing that in Korea has proven to be impossible.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm lonely and depressed and I don't think Korea is the place to enter a relationship or even find someone stable enough for that. I keep wondering that- if I return to the west- would I be able to meet someone? Has Korea stunted me so much that I won't be able to function in an adult relationship?

I'm looking damn forward to this scholarship, and graduate school, because at least then I'll have something to spend my time focusing on. I can't help but wonder what will happen later: am I going to be 50, still alone, still looking for love?

I know this entire post is silly and it kind of mangled the points I was trying to make. I guess what I meant to say at the beginning is that I'm going to start putting forth the effort to be nicer to people, even if they aren't my "type". If I start spreading that kindness in the world, maybe other people will, too, and I won't feel like a dipshit for messaging someone "Hey, how's it going? That's a cute cat picture :)" and not getting a response back. And then other people won't feel the need to thank me for being polite.

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