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September 4, 2016 | 02:05am
Mood: contemplative
Music: RÜFÜS - You Were Right

Went to the doctor this morning, left bloody and in more pain than I was when I got there. This will never end, will it?

On a completely unrelated subject, let's talk about me. Otherwise known as 'my favorite topic'.

Something my friends and I have been discussing quite a bit recently is how we perceive ourselves vs how others perceive us. These discussions range from anything as mundane as, "What Hogwarts house do you think you would be in, and how about the rest [of the people in our group]?" and "What color represents you, and how about everyone else?" to, "What would it be like to travel with [someone's name]?"

I've long considered myself to be a Ravenclaw, by the way. But my friends unanimously agreed that I would be a Hufflepuff. Not necessarily because I'm loyal or not intelligent, brave, cunning, ambitious, etc, but because it's the house where "everyone else" is placed. This was repeated by 3 other people, by the way, completely independently of one another.

The fascinating thing is that this pattern was repeated with several different questions and situations. While I consider myself kind of navy blue or dark purple, my friends all consider me to be gray, of all colors. We all agreed Alyn was burgundy, while she saw herself as mustard yellow. Etcetera.

Now that I've established that the way I see myself differs from how others see me, it's time to get into the real nitty-gritty.

If I had to describe myself in five adjectives or less, I'd say... intelligent, creative, thoughtful, reserved, and positive would be it. I guarantee you that not a single one of my friends would use those precise words to describe me. Take, for example, the word positive. "Positive, Adam? Really?" they'd ask. Yes, really. Because while there is a part of myself that is certainly pessimistic, I'd consider myself an optimist, through and through. Everything will work out in the end, I tell myself, even when I'm horribly depressed and frustrated and sad and feel lonely and like nothing is going right (can you tell these are emotions I've been dwelling) struggling with today?). If I had a motto, that would be it, I suspect.

My friends, however, don't see me like that. They consider me to be very, very independent. We were talking about going to India recently. "If you didn't get up on time, Adam would just go out and leave you behind," Nick told Kay. Which is fascinating, because that's- well, kind of accurate, but kind of not. Because I consider myself to be incredibly dependent on other people. I have trouble doing things for the first time alone. On the other hand, Megan said something on our (plus Zandra) trip to Thailand, way back in 2010, that I remember to this day: just because we're traveling together doesn't mean we have to do everything together.

Thailand was the third country I'd ever been to. I was 23. Singapore was the fourth, only two months later. My friends were going to various countries I had no interest in, or traveling with people I wasn't on particularly good terms with (because, well, I was 23), but I wanted to go to Singapore. I knew someone who was working there, but that was my first time traveling alone. I am not great at traveling alone, honestly - I'm too reserved and introverted, and need to spend huge amounts of time alone, in my hotel room, to recover from the exertions of the day. That being said, I haven't let my fear of - well, of everything, really - take control. I've been to over 10 (15?) countries alone, and the process of traveling is, in and of itself, a reaffirming process that helps to make me independent in many ways that other people are not. While I still see myself as being a bit of a dependent person, most, if not all people view me as being incredibly independent. Which is way cool in my book.

Anyways, I find it fascinating, how one is perceived versus how one perceives themself. My phone's battery is about to die, so that's enough of that.

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